Lift the Velvet Rope.
The 3-step method for catching the meanings that keep you single, even when they sound perfectly reasonable.
"There are no good ones left." "There's just no spark." "I'm fine on my own." "I've done the work. It should have happened by now."
Maybe. But sometimes those aren't conclusions. They're a velvet rope, and it's very good at keeping you safe.
From Suman Smith: author, jeweler, the woman who said no to Oprah, and married at 54.
Why am I still single?
If you've asked yourself that, some of this may sound familiar.
Nothing is wrong with you. You're just very good at staying safe.
Most dating advice tells you to raise your velvet rope. Yours has been up too long.
You've been told to know your worth, raise your standards and make them qualify. Fair enough. But after a hurt or two, the rope goes up for a different reason: to keep you safe.
And it doesn't decide in the big moments. It decides in the few seconds after something happens, when you make it mean something. About you: "I'm too much." About him: "He can't dress." About the whole thing: "There are no good ones left." Then that meaning makes the choice for you.
Lift the Velvet Rope is built for those few seconds.
Lift the Velvet Rope
Three steps. Simple, not easy, because the meaning always feels true while you're inside it.
Check the list
Notice the rope has gone up. What actually happened, and what am I making it mean?
Feel what's real
With the meaning set aside, feel what's left, without judging it or rushing past it.
Lift the rope, or don't
Make the call from who you want to be, not from old fear.
Lifting the rope doesn't mean lowering your standards. It means checking whether the rope is protecting you, or keeping you single.
He hasn't texted back in two days.
Check the list: What actually happened: he hasn't replied yet. What I'm making it mean: "This always happens. I was too much."
Feel what's real: A drop in my stomach. Disappointment. Some fear.
Lift the rope, or don't: I can feel that without making his silence mean something about my worth. If I want clarity, I can reach out honestly instead of waiting, assuming or playing games.
He walked in, and I'd already decided.
Check the list: What actually happened: I don't love his shoes, and he didn't offer to buy the coffee. What I'm making it mean: "He doesn't make an effort. Not my type." Five minutes in, I'm interviewing him for the exit.
Feel what's real: A flicker of disappointment. And, if I'm honest, relief. An easy no means nobody gets close.
Lift the rope, or don't: Shoes are easy to change. Character isn't. I put the checklist down for one coffee, share something real about my week, and ask him something I actually want to know.
Real red flags come from what someone does and says, not how he looks.
He spends the date on his ex, with no reflection and no ownership.
He drinks a lot, especially when you're not.
He talks about himself all night and never asks you a question.
He shows up late, then asks you to split the bill for his beers.
He makes it clear you'd be on the edge of his life, not in it.
He comes on strong, then goes vague and doesn't follow through.
His words and his actions don't match.
The rope comes from the surface: shoes, looks, whether he's impressive on paper. That's the one to lift.
What changes when you lift the rope
I didn't learn this from a textbook.
I grew up in a culture where love was decided for you. My velvet rope went up at 21, with a first love who cheated and blamed me for everything. First it locked me in, because I didn't believe anyone else would want me. When I finally left, it kept everyone out for years.
At 24, I said no to Oprah, then went on her show to talk about choosing love for yourself. After that came years of long-distance relationships that kept me safely at a distance, and a dating-app ban at 50. Then I reconnected with my Grade 3 crush. I married him at 54.
For nearly 20 years I've designed engagement rings and listened to love stories across a counter. That taught me how people really choose, and what quietly gets in the way.
If you're wondering whether it's too late for you: it isn't.
What readers say
"This book is straight-forward & easy to read. The advice makes sense & is practical. Instead of feeling like some distant academic expert is preaching, you feel like you are being encouraged & coached by a wise & beloved friend who has been through what you have been through. I recommend!"
"Great personal stories that offer real practical advise and insights on understanding yourself and how you show up in relationships. Easy read, well written."
"I loved this read. A quick and easy book highlighting honest, real life experiences most people can relate to! The author is vulnerable and funny. Asks the right questions to help you identify how and where you may have cock blocked your love life… and once you uncover it…you’ll be sure to notice when you are up to it again! Good luck lovers of love! You’ve got this!!"
Start where you are
Start with the free quiz. Go deeper when you're ready. Most people begin with the quiz; some go all the way to working with me.
The Velvet Rope Quiz
Find out what's on your list, and which meaning you make most often. Get a one-page worksheet and three short emails to help you catch it this week.
Take the quizStop Cock-Blocking Your Dating Life
The full story behind Lift the Velvet Rope: honest, funny and sometimes painful lessons from my own life. Paperback and Kindle.
Get the bookLift the Rope in 7 Days
Seven short videos and a workbook, one real moment a day: the unanswered text, the "boring" kind person, the shoes, the urge to chase.
Join the waitlistThe Lift the Velvet Rope Program
The complete self-paced program in three parts: Check the List, Feel What's Real, Lift the Rope. Find what's on your list, where it came from, and how to choose differently. Includes Lift the Rope in 7 Days.
Join the waitlistClarity Intensive
Blind spots are called blind spots for a reason. Three 45-minute calls over six weeks, $497. Or one 45-minute Clarity Call, $197.
Book a callQuestions
Is it too late for me? Can you find love after 40, after 50, or after divorce?
Yes. I met my husband after 50 and married him at 54. It isn't too late.
Isn't having standards a good thing?
Yes. Keep the ones about how someone treats you. Lift the Velvet Rope helps you tell those apart from the ones about shoes, sparks and résumés, which are often protection in disguise.
How do I know if they're the one?
Not from the spark alone. Chemistry often means familiar, not right. Watch whether their words and actions match over time, and whether you can stay yourself around them.
I'm happy single. Is this for me?
I believe you. Love should add to a full life, not rescue an empty one. The only question is whether you're choosing this, or whether the rope is choosing it for you.
Is the book only for women?
No. It's written from my experience, and the method works for anyone.
Do I have to use dating apps?
No. Lift the Velvet Rope works wherever you meet people, online or off.
Is this therapy?
No. It's education and personal experience, not a substitute for professional care. If you're struggling, please reach out to a professional or a local crisis line.